I use public transportation to get to and from work. It is much more relaxing than driving, however it also means I must put up with the occassional jerk. This morning, I was treated to a yuppie jerk getting a comeuppance.
There were 2 men sitting directly across from me on the Metro train. One man was the typical arrogant, imeccably dressed lawyer type: navy blue pin stripe suit, starched white shirt, cufflinks, suspenders, silk tie, polished, tassled loafers, with his legs crossed and work stretched out with no regard for the person seated next to him. The other man was a much older guy, dressed kind of shabbily, small and thin, and he was getting annoyed at being tapped with the bottom of the expensive shoe from the Master of the Universe with the crossed legs next to him.
The train was very crowded and when the old guy was ready to exit the train, he excused himself and stood. Pinstripes didn't even bother to stand to let him out. He simply shifted in his seat, with his legs still crossed.
As the old man exited, he suddenly reached over and slipped the offending tassled loafer from hotshot's extended foot. Then, he reached under the cuff of the tailored suit and pulled off his dress sock. In a second, the old man was out of the train, and the executive was so stunned that he only realized what he did after the doors had closed and he could do nothing about it.
So there he sat, in his $1500 suit and his $100 tie and his monogrammed cufflinks, wearing only one very expensive shoe and one black business sock, staring at his bare foot while turning crimson and purple.
I looked out the window and saw the old guy holding up the polished shoe and the sock and laughing. He looked like a hunter holding up a trophy.
I laughed my head off, as did several others who witnessed this. He was smart enough not to look for sympathy from any of us.
Another old guy looked at him with pity, though, and tapped him on the shoulder. He pulled something out of a plastic bag: it was a pair of plastic flip-flops! The man explained that he didn't need them, and suit-boy took them without speaking, and took off his remaining shoe and sock, replacing what had been a pair of $500 shoes with $2.98 flip-flops.
Now THAT is a humbling experience.
Barefoot in a Pinstriped Suit
Caught Speeding
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.
Miser's Final Wish
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.
Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.
Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."
She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did, " said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."
Why did you have to die?
A man was at a grave yard.
He began to moan "Why did you die oh why did you have to die?"
A passer by knelt down next to the man and said "Was this person very close to you?"
"No, actually i never met him!" replied the man
"Why are you moaning then?" asked the passer-by coursously.
"He was my wife's first husband!"
Clever kids
A police officer found a perfect hiding place for watching for speeding motorists.
One day, the officer was amazed when everyone was under the speed limit, so he investigated and found the problem.
A 10 years old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said “Radar Trap Ahead.”
A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy’s accomplice: another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading “TIPS” and a bucket at his feet full of change.
Will’s experience at the airport
After his return from Rome, Will couldn’t find his luggage in the airport baggage area. He went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that his bags hadn’t shown up on the carousel.
She smiled and told him not to worry because they were trained professionals and he was in good hands.
Then she asked Will, “Has your plane arrived yet?”
Wrong email address
A couple going on vacation but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
The Well-Dressed Salesman
A little old man answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a very well-dressed young man in a navy blue pinstriped suit, red silk tie, white shirt, shoes polished like black mirrors, and carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Get lost, Mister fancy suit!" said the old man. "I haven't got any money" and he proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his polished shoe in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
The old man again told him to get lost. And with that, the young man emptied a bucket of mud all over his hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this mess from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.
"I got a better idea" said the old man, looking the young man up and down "If you don't clean it all up, I'll swap those fancy clothes of yours fer my overalls."
"Fine, sir!" said the young man confidently.
"That fancy suit and tie are gonna look good on me!" said the old man."But take them shoes off first!"
"But sir! I haven't demonstrated the vacuum yet!"
"Yes, you have. The electricity ain't workin"..."
The child and his mother
A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”
The
mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of
you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!”
The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.”
