Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.
Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.
Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.
Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.
Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee..
David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.
Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.
Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).
George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.
Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.
Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!
Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.
New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Nike virus: Just Does It!
Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.
Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.
Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.
Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."
PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.
Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".
Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.
Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.
Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.
Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.
Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.
Types of computer viruses
Signs and notices
Sign in a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. "
Sign up in a Moscow hotel on a Russian Orthodox monastery: "You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
Log in to a Hong Kong supermarket: "For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service."
Sign at fast-food place: "PARKING FOR DRIVE-THRU CUSTOMERS ONLY!"
Sign outside of the Hong Kong tailor shop: "Ladies have a fit upstairs."
Question and answer animal jokes
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from Colonel Sanders!
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: Because it was a double-crosser.
Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?
A: To take over the other side.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach?
A: To get to the other tide.
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Chickens hadn't evolved yet.
English language
Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?
Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.
