Clean Humor and Funny Blog

Types of computer viruses

2010-05-02T09:59:00.000-07:00

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.

Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.

Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.

Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.

Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee..

David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.

Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.

Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!

Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Nike virus: Just Does It!

Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.

Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.

Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."

PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.

Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.

Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.

Getting High

2008-04-27T19:54:00.000-07:00

Signs and notices

2008-03-25T20:06:00.000-07:00

These are supposedly actual signs, which are now at various locations in the United States and the rest of the world.

Sign in a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. "

Sign up in a Moscow hotel on a Russian Orthodox monastery: "You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

Log in to a Hong Kong supermarket: "For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service."

Sign at fast-food place: "PARKING FOR DRIVE-THRU CUSTOMERS ONLY!"

Sign outside of the Hong Kong tailor shop: "Ladies have a fit upstairs."

Question and answer animal jokes

2008-03-07T06:05:00.000-08:00

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from Colonel Sanders!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: Because it was a double-crosser.

Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?
A: To take over the other side.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach?
A: To get to the other tide.

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Chickens hadn't evolved yet.

English language

2008-02-16T09:14:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.

Ant jokes 03

2008-01-31T09:26:00.000-08:00

Where do ants go to eat?
At a restaurant!

What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Antteneye!

What do you call an and with frogs legs?
An antphibian!

What kind of ants are very learned?
Pedants!

What do you call a smart ant?
Elegant!

What do you call an ant who can't play the piano?
Discordant!

What kind of ant is good at maths?
An accountant!

How come if ants are always so busy they always get time to show up at picnics?
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
Ten ants!

Ant jokes 02

2008-01-23T09:25:00.000-08:00

What do you call an ant who lives with your great uncle?
Your great-ant!

Who was the most famous ant scientist?
Albert Antstein!

What games to ants play with elephants?
Squash!

What do you call a 100 year old ant?
An antique!

What kind of ant can you colour with?
A crayant!

Who is the most famous French ant?
Napoleant!

Why did the ant-elope?
Nobody gnu!

What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant!

Why don't anteaters get sick?
Because they are full of antibodies!

What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
An independant!

Ant jokes 01

2008-01-03T09:24:00.000-08:00

Where do ants go for their holidays?
Frants!

What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant!

What do you get if you cross some ants with some tics?
All sorts of antics!

What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater!

Why did the elephant put his trunk across the path?
To trip up the ants!

What is even bigger than an elephant?
A giant!

What do you call an ant in space?
Cosmonants & Astronants!

What do you call an ant from overseas?
Impartant!

What medicine would you give an ill ant?
Antibiotics!

What is smaller than an ant's dinner?
An ant's mouth!

Purchasing a new bird

2007-12-21T21:30:00.000-08:00

After many years of marriage, a man had turned into a "couch potato" was totally inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watch TV all day. The woman was upset because no matter what they have to the attention of man, he would just shrug with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the woman was boredom, to be crazy. Then one day at a pet store, the woman saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble down the side of its mouth.

The shop owner, its fascination for observing the birds, told her it was a special imported "Goony Bird," and it was a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony Bird, in the table!"

Gleich, the Goony bird flew from its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into hundreds of small pieces with his powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shop owner said: "Goony Bird! Shelf!"

Also, the Goony Bird turned to the pole and demolished it in seconds.

"Wow!" , The woman said, "If this is not my husband draws the attention, nothing!" So she bought the bird and took it home.

When they reached the house, the man was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watch the game. "Honey!" Rief, "I have a surprise for you! Goony Bird!"

The man, in his usual bored tone replied: "Goony Bird, my foot!"

Mistakes on a resume

2007-12-20T23:44:00.000-08:00

These are from actual CVs:

"Personally, I am married and the father of 9 children. I do not know prescription drugs.

"I am very loyal to my present firm, so please do not let them know of my immediate availability."

"Qualifications: I am a man of passion and integrity, and I can act in the short term. I'ma class act, and not cheap."

"I intentionally omitted my salary history. Money, and I have lost money. Rich I have, and I have bad. I prefer the rich."

"Note: Please do not misconstrue my 14 jobs as" job hopping. "I have never quit a job."

"Number of members: 40"

"Marital status: Often. Children: Different."

AGAIN BLOOPERS

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

Reasons for leaving the last job:

"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"She said that all employees at work by 8:45 every morning. Can not under these circumstances."

Reasons for leaving my last job:

"Was met with a series of broken promises and lies, and cockroaches."

"I was for my mother, until she decided to move."

"The company has given me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

"I am open to the first type of an assignment, I am decidedly removed, so that, at least in part, enjoyed the experience so far and that it be configured to ultimately lead to the use of more sophisticated financial management as facets the large area of responsibility. "

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

SPECIAL JOB INFORMATION & OBJECTIVES:

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"My goal is to become a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I hesitate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

"Blood donation. 14 gallons so far."

Small typo can change, that the significance:

Education: College, August 1880-May 1984. "

"Work Experience: How to deal with customers," that arouse conflicts. "

"Development and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."

"I am angry typist."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain."

Remember a child

2007-12-18T23:39:00.000-08:00

A young man went through a supermarket to get a few things when he noticed an old lady after him. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued. Finally, he went into the fund, but it has before him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I am sorry if my staring at you, it is unpleasant to you. It's just that you just like my son, who just died recently."

"I am very sad," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I leave, can you say:" Good-bye, Mother! "? I would be so much better."

"Sure," replied the young man

When the old woman was leaving, he said, "Good-bye, Mother!"

When he was involved in the fund, he saw that his total was $ 127.50.

"How can that be?" He asked, "I only bought a few things!"

"Your mother said that you pay for them," said the clerk.

Phone songs

2007-12-17T23:32:00.000-08:00

All of the following songs can be found on a telephone keypad phone. Commas are breaks, and dashes instead of grades.

Mary Had A Little Lamb

3212333, 222, 399, 3212333322321 or
3212333, 222, 133, 3212333322321

Jingle Bells

333, 333, 39123, 666-663333322329, 333, 333, 39123, 666-6633, 399621

Frere Jacques

1231, 1231, 369, 369, 9*9631, 9*9631, 111, 111

Olympic Fanfare

3-9-91231, 2222-32112312, 3-9-91231, 2222-32112321

The Butterfly Song

963, 23621, 3693236236932362, 963, 23621

Happy Birthday

112, 163, 112, 196, 110, 8521, 008, 121

A mental hospital

2007-12-15T23:30:00.000-08:00

After hearing that one of the patients in a psychiatric hospital had a suicide attempt by selecting it from the tub, director of the clinic review the savior of the file, and called him in his office.

"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you are ready to go home. I am only sorry that the man you saved later killed with a rope around his neck."

"Oh, he did not kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."

Interviewing crazy

2007-12-13T23:25:00.000-08:00

A man was in a mental home for a few years finally seemed to have improved to the point where he thought he could be published.

The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, but decided for the first interview him.

"Tell me," he said, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?"

The inmate said: "It would be nice to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from my earlier mistakes. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the burden of my work with weapons research, Die, have helped me here. If I am free, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful. "

"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.

"Or," ruminated the inmate. "I could teach. There is something to say, the expenditure for a life in bringing a new generation of scientists."

"Absolutely," said the manager.

"Then again, I might write. There is a considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this beautiful facility."

"An interesting possibility," said the manager.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always go to a tea kettle."