Purchasing a new bird

After many years of marriage, a man had turned into a "couch potato" was totally inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watch TV all day. The woman was upset because no matter what they have to the attention of man, he would just shrug with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the woman was boredom, to be crazy. Then one day at a pet store, the woman saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble down the side of its mouth.

The shop owner, its fascination for observing the birds, told her it was a special imported "Goony Bird," and it was a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony Bird, in the table!"

Gleich, the Goony bird flew from its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into hundreds of small pieces with his powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shop owner said: "Goony Bird! Shelf!"

Also, the Goony Bird turned to the pole and demolished it in seconds.

"Wow!" , The woman said, "If this is not my husband draws the attention, nothing!" So she bought the bird and took it home.

When they reached the house, the man was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watch the game. "Honey!" Rief, "I have a surprise for you! Goony Bird!"

The man, in his usual bored tone replied: "Goony Bird, my foot!"

Mistakes on a resume

These are from actual CVs:

"Personally, I am married and the father of 9 children. I do not know prescription drugs.

"I am very loyal to my present firm, so please do not let them know of my immediate availability."

"Qualifications: I am a man of passion and integrity, and I can act in the short term. I'ma class act, and not cheap."

"I intentionally omitted my salary history. Money, and I have lost money. Rich I have, and I have bad. I prefer the rich."

"Note: Please do not misconstrue my 14 jobs as" job hopping. "I have never quit a job."

"Number of members: 40"

"Marital status: Often. Children: Different."

AGAIN BLOOPERS

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

Reasons for leaving the last job:

"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"She said that all employees at work by 8:45 every morning. Can not under these circumstances."

Reasons for leaving my last job:

"Was met with a series of broken promises and lies, and cockroaches."

"I was for my mother, until she decided to move."

"The company has given me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

"I am open to the first type of an assignment, I am decidedly removed, so that, at least in part, enjoyed the experience so far and that it be configured to ultimately lead to the use of more sophisticated financial management as facets the large area of responsibility. "

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

SPECIAL JOB INFORMATION & OBJECTIVES:

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"My goal is to become a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I hesitate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

"Blood donation. 14 gallons so far."

Small typo can change, that the significance:

Education: College, August 1880-May 1984. "

"Work Experience: How to deal with customers," that arouse conflicts. "

"Development and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."

"I am angry typist."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain."

Remember a child

A young man went through a supermarket to get a few things when he noticed an old lady after him. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued. Finally, he went into the fund, but it has before him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I am sorry if my staring at you, it is unpleasant to you. It's just that you just like my son, who just died recently."

"I am very sad," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I leave, can you say:" Good-bye, Mother! "? I would be so much better."

"Sure," replied the young man

When the old woman was leaving, he said, "Good-bye, Mother!"

When he was involved in the fund, he saw that his total was $ 127.50.

"How can that be?" He asked, "I only bought a few things!"

"Your mother said that you pay for them," said the clerk.

Phone songs

All of the following songs can be found on a telephone keypad phone. Commas are breaks, and dashes instead of grades.

Mary Had A Little Lamb

3212333, 222, 399, 3212333322321 or
3212333, 222, 133, 3212333322321

Jingle Bells

333, 333, 39123, 666-663333322329, 333, 333, 39123, 666-6633, 399621

Frere Jacques

1231, 1231, 369, 369, 9*9631, 9*9631, 111, 111

Olympic Fanfare

3-9-91231, 2222-32112312, 3-9-91231, 2222-32112321

The Butterfly Song

963, 23621, 3693236236932362, 963, 23621

Happy Birthday

112, 163, 112, 196, 110, 8521, 008, 121

A mental hospital

After hearing that one of the patients in a psychiatric hospital had a suicide attempt by selecting it from the tub, director of the clinic review the savior of the file, and called him in his office.

"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you are ready to go home. I am only sorry that the man you saved later killed with a rope around his neck."

"Oh, he did not kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."

Interviewing crazy

A man was in a mental home for a few years finally seemed to have improved to the point where he thought he could be published.

The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, but decided for the first interview him.

"Tell me," he said, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?"

The inmate said: "It would be nice to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from my earlier mistakes. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the burden of my work with weapons research, Die, have helped me here. If I am free, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful. "

"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.

"Or," ruminated the inmate. "I could teach. There is something to say, the expenditure for a life in bringing a new generation of scientists."

"Absolutely," said the manager.

"Then again, I might write. There is a considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this beautiful facility."

"An interesting possibility," said the manager.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always go to a tea kettle."